Greetings, fellow Garblaxanons!
I am Human Designation Code #12121988, but you may call me by my Earth-name, Mr. Brett. The following is my report regarding upcoming activities on my assigned planet, Earth.
This sector of the planet, codenamed “Arkansas,” will soon be closer to our primary star, “the sun,” than it is at any other point of its rotation! The locals call this phenomenon “Summer.” Typically, this season is spent doing activities such as slicing up lawn flora, heating edible flesh-sticks (or flesh-patties!) over a pile of combusting carbon bricks, or watching other humans hit a sphere very hard while still more humans run in a diamondoid pattern. Truly, human behavior can be very baffling.
However, some information-hives known as “libraries” like to use the Summer as a time to translate regional language glyphs contained in their archives as a means to share stories or absorb information - this process is known as “reading,” and according to the library I’ve infiltrated, Summer is the best time to do it! This library - designated as the “Saline County Library” due to its proximity to multiple large deposits of Sodium Chloride - is holding several events to entice local humans to the library. Luckily, I do not think the humans have realized our goal of total planetary assimilation yet.
Many of the workers at this information-hive - I mean “library” - have been fully assimilated without their knowledge, and are using their inherent skills to make these “innocent” programs as fun and appealing as possible to maximize our assimilation yield. These events are designed to attract humans at various levels of metamorphosis, from the small larval humans (which they call “babies”) all the way to fully-developed adult humans.
I have been tasked by my “human” superiors to develop a suitable program for the partially-pupated humans known as “teenagers.” I believe they call this process “puperty” due to their incomplete pupal metamorphosis. In this stage of development, the humans are voracious and prone to unpredictable behavior due to what I can only assume are errors in their code.
Due to their unpredictable nature, I have decided to immediately assimilate them and prepare them for their imminent space travels via a brainwashing method known as a “role-playing game.” These teenagers will assume the role of newly-trained cadets in a space-bound peacekeeping organization using the power of a uniquely human feature they call “imagination.” By the end of the summer, the humans should be more than ready to return to our beautiful homeworld of Garblaxanon-12!
I will now end this report, as I need to assimilate a few more of these information-hive workers. I was surprised to find out that the human acting as the hive-director (designation “Patty”) was already a Garblaxanon herself!
Code #12121988, signing off
Saline County Library
We Are More... Than Human